TO TOUCH AND TO HOLD

To Touch and To Hold 

Life is a battle as growth is a battlefield. Growing up as a teenager was as hard as a life of an adult who wishes and aim to settle well in life. I had a crush back in junior high school whom my friends tease me with. Maybe I liked him, maybe I didn't. But I think I admired him as he was handsome. 

Some part of me wished he was my boyfriend whereas my other part reminded me of my ego and how I needed to maintain or probably raise it high. I needed to walk with confidence and having that guy as my boyfriend meant lowering my standard, hence, affecting my self respect. The light of my emotions were green but that of my  ego was red. I loved my ego, so I chose the latter. 

It was getting to that time of the month and as usual, there was a rise in my libido. I needed a boy. To touch and to hold. What in particular? Yes! Exactly what you're thinking. My sexual edge and drive was on. Like a keeper in a goal post, waiting with all diligence to catch a ball, I knew having a boy would work out because that was what my emotions was calling for. 

This is a feeling no one invites for whatsoever reason but someway somehow, it finds itself knocking on your door of reasoning with all joy and enthusiasm because really, it's holds the key to your decisions at that time of the month. Maybe I could overshadow my thoughts with other fun things and amazing hobbies but this feeling seem to be the strongest of all my thoughts and I could only but give in. Give in? Yes! To what exactly? To the fact that I needed a boy to touch and to hold. 

It's late in the night as I was getting ready to sleep and this was the only thought filled in my memory space. How do I get him? Having a boyfriend at that point in my teen life would be great. That means, obliging to the thought and feelings of being sexual and such amazing time and moment it would be. But I'm missing it. I'm missing all this prime time of life. I have no boyfriend because I chose my ego over my emotions and I have nothing to talk about when we meet as teenagers and their fun life. That was happiness way back because youthful exuberance and lustful desires was the rule of life. 

Back in school the following day, I was so occupied. Caught up with lots of activities that I forgot I had a flattering and crazy sexual drive a night before. It's did not cross my mind for whatsoever reason. Did I see my crush in school? I did. Did he remind me of my feelings over the night? Certainly not. Yet a night before, he had filled my thoughts as my emotions cried out loud for him. 

I was going about minding my school business and every other thing was less of importance including my desires the night before. He liked me, I admired him but my ego came in to ruined everything.You can call it pride and that's fine.

Sexual drive is loud as a neighbor banging your door for emergency situation. Yes! It's that bad. But as bad as it sounds, you have a choice to make. I had to choose, between my drive and my ego. Both have positives and negatives and I have the power to choose what effect to unfold.

I was not not welcome for some topics for conversations and that's ok. I was egoistic and I could not get enough of me. Mainly because I had a different form of interest and not the regular like every teenager and that's fine. We were all teenagers but with different path to thread. Like to choose between these options, it may not work same for everyone just so you know.

Respect for personal choices and decisions is what we behold and live by. Regardless of our personal choices, everyone is equally doing great with theirs and life is still beautiful with each and every one's choice. 

Cheers to all who found ourselves in a dilemma and made a decision even the toughest one. We're great and awesome and life is extremely good with us all. 

Life of respect for choices and decisions because life would have been worse but you chose to live. 

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MaakaaWrites